


the wounds that keep on bleeding

by howlingsaturn



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:07:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29264013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlingsaturn/pseuds/howlingsaturn
Summary: After a rough call leaves Carlos shaken to his core, he finds out what it means to be cared for.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Comments: 17
Kudos: 138





	the wounds that keep on bleeding

**Author's Note:**

> i would recommend listening to Ease My Mind by our lord and savior Ben Platt because this is totally a Tarlos song.  
> trigger warning for mild description of domestic violence. i do not go into details but it is mentioned so please take care of yourselves. <3

* * *

darling, 

only you can ease my mind

help me leave these lonely thoughts behind

when they pull me under,

and I can feel my sanity start to unwind

darling, 

only you can ease my mind

— Ease My Mind, Ben Platt

* * *

  
  


Carlos normally prides himself on being a positive and optimistic guy. He's able to find hope and happiness even in the darkest of times and if his friends and family are struggling, he's always just around the corner, ready to offer company and encouraging words. It's not like it's a hardship for him, he's always looked out for other people, it's part of who he is.

But there are days, as rare as they might be, where Carlos doesn't know what's up or down, right or wrong. There are days where he too will drown in sadness or repressed anger, where the world is so dark, he fears he'll never find his way back to the light. The thing is, he's always dealt with these days on his own, he knows the protocol. But now there's someone else, someone who is so closely tied to his life and emotions that Carlos has no way of hiding himself away until the storm passes.

But he tries. He tries because the possibility that he'll sweep TK up in his hurricane of emotions without meaning to, that he'll pull him down right with him, is outright terrifying. And it's not that he thinks TK is weak and won't be able to handle it but because Carlos feels so strongly, so wholly, so _all-consumingly._ He knows of the weight that it carries, how much strength it costs, and it wouldn't be the first time someone ran away from him because of it. He didn't blame them and he wouldn't blame TK if he decided that it was too much but Carlos has become selfish where TK is concerned. Carlos knows, with shocking clarity, that a world without TK in his life is not one he wants to be a part of. 

It was only a matter of time before the hurricane hit. It's not like Carlos didn't expect things to go bad one day, he just didn't think it was going to be as terrible as it ended up being. They got the call halfway into his shift and it had shaken him up so badly, his body hadn't stopped trembling even after he had sat down on his desk hours later. His boss had taken one look at him and sent him home with 11 hours left of his shift. Carlos didn't even argue, simply packed his stuff, dragged his heavy feet outside to his car and drove himself home on autopilot. 

And so when Carlos arrives at his place in the early morning hours to find TK fast asleep on the left side of his bed, something in him crumbles; quiet and slow, like leaves falling from a tree. He stands there on the threshold, staring at TK's sleeping form like it's the only thing holding him together, and doesn't have the strength to take the last couple of steps to warmth and comfort. He feels his shoulders droop, his body growing heavy with exhaustion and he turns around, heading back into the darkness he came from. 

He sits down on the couch, his elbows resting on his thighs and his head pillowed on the palms of his hands, and wills his racing thoughts to calm. He feels his heart beat frantically in his chest as if it's trying to claw its way out and Carlos feels a coldness seep into his skin that he knows will linger even long after this day has ended. It's always like that and still, it doesn't make it easier. The pain in his heart continues to grow, leaving his chest a gaping wound, and Carlos feels himself slipping into a deep, dark hole. 

It's not until someone calls out to him, his name spoken in a hushed voice, that Carlos' mind stops drifting and returns to the here and now. He looks up with great difficulty, his head like stone on his neck and squints his eyes to see in the dark. TK's figure comes into view then, blurry at first but as he steps into the cone of light provided by the small lamp on the living room table, Carlos is granted a pair of beautiful green eyes and feels a little bit of sanity return to his frantic mind. 

"What are you doing up?" he asks, looking away quickly, and as his voice cracks slightly, he clears his throat. "You should go back to bed."

TK stands in front of him, his eyes a little foggy from sleep and frowns, reaching out a tentative hand to brush his fingers against Carlos' wrist. 

"No use with you being down here, is there?" he says and Carlos' throat closes up with emotions he can't grasp. He wants to reach out for TK and pull him close but he also wants to leave and hide himself away where no one would find him. 

"Are you okay?" TK asks, worry etched into his voice and Carlos tenses with a new wave of anxiety. 

"I'm fine," he blurts out far too quickly and judging by how TK's frown deepens, he knows he's been caught in his lie. "Go back to sleep, you've got a shift in a couple of hours." 

TK considers him for a few seconds but then he merely shrugs. "I don't sleep well without you anyway so I'd rather stay right here with you." 

Carlos doesn't respond, blindly staring at a grey spot on the floor and wondering if TK is going to let it go and go back to bad. As he watches TK shift from one foot to the other, he knows that's not going to happen. 

"Do you mind if I?" TK asks after a few minutes of silence, stepping right into Carlos' space and he's so close all of a sudden that Carlos can't help but look up. TK's gaze is indecipherable but he raises his hand in question, leaving Carlos to stare at him confusedly. He smiles a little then and if Carlos wasn't so out of his mind he would've sworn he saw his cheeks turn pink. TK puts his palm against Carlos' chest, pushing a little, and Carlos' body goes easily. TK plants himself on Carlos' lap then, winding an arm around Carlos' shoulder and as he presses close to get himself comfortable, something in Carlos' chest flutters. He closes his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath in and TK watches him silently as he calms himself. When Carlos opens his eyes again TK is still looking at him. 

"Hi," he says sweetly and reaches out a hand, letting his fingers dance across Carlos' face. 

"Hi," Carlos breathes back, eyes roaming across TK's face in both gratitude and shock. His arms have found their way around TK's back like they were meant to hold him, fingers restlessly tapping against the soft fabric of what Carlos knows to be one of his old hoodies. It's a little baggy across the shoulders and chest but TK doesn't seem to mind. _They smell like you and they're comfortable_ , he had shrugged when Carlos had asked him about it and Carlos remembers the warm feeling that had settled in his gut upon seeing TK in his clothes for the first time. He really wishes he could have that feeling back but all he feels right now is emptiness. 

"Are you gonna tell me what's wrong?" TK asks and there it is again, that ugly feeling of dread. His fingers flex instinctively but if his grip on TK's hip is painful, TK doesn't let it show. Carlos' anxiety must show on his face though because TK's thumb over his brow stills, his whole face etched in worry. 

" _Babe_." 

Carlos has to squeeze his eyes shut again, willing down the panic that bubbles in his gut but as TK presses gentle kisses to his forehead and cheek, his hands carefully framing Carlos' face, the panic settles again. _He needs to tell him_ , he thinks, _he needs to get it out before he drowns in it._

"There was an emergency," he croaks out before he can change his mind but pictures start flooding his head and his throat closes up again. His eyes shoot open in fright but TK is right there to soothe him.

"You're okay," he says, "You're with me. Nothing's gonna happen to you, I promise." 

And something about these words makes Carlos' mind stop spinning. He looks at TK then, really looks at him, as if he's seeing him for the very first time and all of the anger, all the hopelessness and sadness dissipate into resentment.

"It's not about what happens to me," he confesses, "It's about what happens to others when I'm not there to prevent it." 

TK's heart aches at the empty look he finds in Carlos' eyes and so he holds him a little tighter and kisses his head more fiercely. Carlos breathes him in and the hand that still rests on TK's hip flexes with anxiety. He wills his troubling thoughts away and instead allows himself to take comfort in TK's gentle touches. TK is infinitely patient with him and after a few more moments of silence, Carlos begins to explain. He tells TK about the emergency and the woman who called, fearing for her life. He describes how she looked when he arrived, how scared she was of Carlos getting too close and then he talks about the husband, blinded by rage, and how he tried to hurt Carlos too. He's quick to soothe a worried TK whose eyes have begun scanning him for injuries before Carlos could even finish his explanation. Carlos thinks about ending the story here, with the happy ending, but something in him urges him to continue, to talk about how this woman will probably never fully recover from what she experienced. TK says he _can't know that; this woman is a survivor, she can overcome anything._ And Carlos wants to agree, argue that _yes, she is a survivor, but she'll spend the rest of her life questioning everything that led up to that day._ Carlos _knows_ , he's _seen it up close_ , and TK squeezes the hand he's grabbed sometime during Carlos' explanation in a quick attempt to offer comfort.

"My sister is the strongest person I know," Carlos whispers, his voice wavering with emotion, "but she's never been the same since." 

TK nods in understanding, his own head a whirlwind of thoughts. He tries to find the right words knowing this is not something he can fix, that anyone can fix. 

"What happened to your sister is not your fault," TK argues and Carlos is already shaking his head in disagreement, " _It's not!_ And what happened to that woman isn't either. Carlos, you saved her life today. That's a good thing." 

"Then why do I feel like my heart is split in two?" His voice breaks and Carlos knows that it'll take him a while to find it again. 

TK huffs out a shuddering breath and takes Carlos' face back into his hands, tilting his head up with gentle firmness. 

"Because you're a good person, Carlos, the best one I know, and you try to save as many people as you can because that's the kind of man that you are. But you're human. You can only do so much." 

Carlos looks at him and the pain TK finds in his eyes is palpable. It's a little shocking to him, how Carlos can hold himself together right now. There are tears in his eyes but not a single one falls and TK wonders if maybe this is what Carlos needs, to let go of all these emotions and just let himself be, no matter how violent and ugly it would turn out to be. But Carlos is still looking at him like he doesn't believe a word TK just said and TK simply can't let that stand. 

"How do you not realise how important and special you are?" 

Carlos shakes his head again but TK is quick to interfere. He leans forward, softly resting their foreheads together. 

"I need you to listen carefully to what I'm about to say, okay? You're a hero, Carlos, to so many people out there but especially to me." 

Carlos looks at him with wide eyes and TK swallows down the tears that threaten to fall. 

"You saved me," TK whispers, "So please let me save you too." 

As TK carefully reaches into Carlos' open wound, his aching heart now laid openly in the palms of TK's hands and Carlos' eyes a mirror to his own vulnerability, TK realises the depth of his feelings and finds himself unable to keep them to himself. 

" _I love you_ ," he breathes into the space between them and as he spreads balm on Carlos' wound, Carlos slowly starts to heal. His heart skips a beat in TK's gentle hands and then another, and another, until it finally returns to its old rhythm. Carlos reaches for TK then, pulling him down so their lips can meet and TK pours every bit of the love he feels into that kiss. As Carlos takes it all in, tugging TK close until there's no more space left, he realises that he's not alone and that what he does, _who he is,_ is enough. At least for someone. And perhaps that is all he can ask for in times as dark and terrifying as these.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find a link to my tumblr post [here](https://howlingsaturn.tumblr.com/post/642473953049378817/the-wounds-that-keep-on-bleeding-22k)


End file.
